My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
