I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
