I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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