My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
