This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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