it was like eating out sand paper
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
