Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
