i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
