Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it was like his penis was on wheels.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
