i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
