the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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