I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
