things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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