I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
