On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
