i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
