my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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