New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
