i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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