I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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