I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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