i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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