you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
