HIV tests are more positive than that guy
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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