plz talk dirty to me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
