I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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