I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
