So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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