her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
