I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my shit smells like andre
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
