apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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