Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
