shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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