Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
