Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
