Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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