Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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