Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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