He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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