wanna go halves on a baby?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
