If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
