and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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