just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
