what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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