OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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