What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
