Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
