now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
