So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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