Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
