How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
