So drunk its hurt
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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