We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
